The Other L-word (con’t)

The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. – Douglas Coupland

When I feel truly alone, with a sense of being lost, even empty inside, it is then I realize I have unknowingly moved away from God.  So I move back. – David L Weatherford

Last year, when I visited NJ in the fall, I stayed for a few weeks and felt the loneliness of my singleness to the extreme. It was my first visit since my brother got married, so I had a few third and fifth wheel moments. I went on a lovely retreat with friends, all of whom were married. At a dinner (again, where I was the only unmarried girl) one friend asked if everyone would get remarried if, God forbid, their husbands died. Two said yes because “They wouldn’t want to be alone”. I ran to the bathroom, crying.

(Side note: I love (yes, I said it) my married friends…and being around ALL married people, constantly, is hard. Marriage is like an exclusive club that you can only get into with an invitation. I can only speak about marriage in theory to which many marrieds will respond with “Oh, but you don’t know” (verbally or non-verbally). And then there’s the reminder of not being married, of not being in this exclusive club when everyone talks about husband/marriage stuff. And yes, I know that marriage isn’t the solution to loneliness. I never believed it and I still do not. I know a bad marriage can be even lonelier than a good marriage. I know that even in a good marriage, there are moments where either spouse feels lonely.

Also, any marrieds out there who wish to reply with “I would LOVE some alone time”, I urge you to not. Wanting and having alone time is different than being alone all. the.time. Also, you can be alone if you want, you know (not saying it would be right to do but it’s certainly possible).)

On my most recent trip to NJ, I was able to hang out and vacation with another single gal, which was a nice. I got to hang out and catch up with some old friends and connect ore with some newer ones, Alhamdulillah, praise and thanks are for Allah.

During this trip, I was also able to visit MD where I got to laugh and joke about singleness with a few girls at ICNA.  While driving down to my old ‘hood, all the wonderful memories of friends I had made and places I used to frequent came flooding back. I saw a glimpse of my apartment and visited friends. I felt an extra layer of sadness when I was leaving. I had already left NJ and said my goodbyes there and when I left MD, I felt like I was saying goodbye again. Leaving MD the first time was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

When I came back to TX, the loneliness came back, too. I had had to say farewell to friends in both MD and NJ that I had spent years getting acquainted and reacquainted, respectively, and go back to life in TX, alone again. I began to question my decision to stay in TX. Yes, I could have chosen to move back to NJ (or MD), to either live with my parents or in my own place (each with its own consequences). I would probably have a flexible enough schedule that I could see friends frequently, friends who told me they missed me and wished I would come back. But what if I did move back? Would things be the same as when I was there before? Would I become part of the background and just another tree in the forest? (Not that I need to stand out or anything…). How would I grow? We need to be outside of our comfort zone to grow; being in TX is definitely uncomfortable (Alhamdulillah/Thanks and praise are for Allah).

Despite these thoughts, I had looked forward to coming back to Dallas. I wanted to be in my own place with the comfort of my own home, to have some solitude.  I looked forward going back to attending classes at the mosque. After a visit from a friend, I had reunions with alumni from my school. Despite being surrounded by all those people, I felt extremely lonely. It was hard for me to hold back the tears. Some people noticed I looked sad and asked if I was ok, but I didn’t say anything; I didn’t really want to talk about it or to anyone. I wasn’t even sure what it was I was feeling or why. I thought maybe some of it had to do with my friend’s sadness because of her divorce, even though I knew it was the best thing for her.

Then, I understood: everyone had someone or something to which they belonged. If it wasn’t a spouse, it was a sibling or an institution or a job – something! I was just…there. People even asked me if I worked for _____ company or ____ school. Nope. “What do you do then?” ….

Making it worse was having a hard time finding someone to carpool to the graduation with; everyone already had people they were going with (family, friends, etc).

At the graduation itself, I could see where everyone belonged: they were either staff, family of graduates, general supporters who were there as part of another group. And then there was me.

Loneliness Monster was back, infecting me and filling my head with thoughts of  “you don’t belong here” (*shakes fist*). I tried to shake it off, to remember the principles I had learned in “Transformed, but it was really hard.  I reminded myself of everything I had to be grateful for, and yet all I could do was compare myself to everyone else. “They all have someONE or someTHING keeping them here and I am here, all alone, by myself.” (womp womp)

There are some people (some of whom are friends) who are TERRIFIED of being alone and have never experienced it. They lived with their parents until they were married. They don’t do anything, besides errands,  by themselves. If they can’t find anyone to do something with, they will not do it (and not only because of safety reasons). It bothers me when I hear this because I have had to do so many things by myself. I could have chosen not to do them but then I would have missed out on doing a lot of things, simply because I couldn’t find anyone to do it with. It also bothers me because it’s these very people who have never HAD to do anything by themselves, who have always had a buddy or a spouse be there for them to do things with (May Allah put blessings in their lives with their friends and spouses). I’ve honestly felt (feel) that Allah pushed me to be alone and do things alone. Every time I searched for vacation buddies, I couldn’t find anyone, so I went alone. Anytime someone searched for a vacation buddy, they found me or others. As I’ve said before, I don’t despise living alone or solitude. I believe and know there has to be a reason why Allah wants/ed me to be alone so much.

Then, I remembered the story of Yunus (Jonah), peace be upon him, who was SUPER duper alone. If one likens loneliness with being in darkness, he was engulfed in triple darkness: the darkness of the whale’s belly, the darkness of the ocean and the darkness of the night…and not just for one day! His only way of surviving, of not going insane (which happens to inmates in solitary confinement) was worshipping and connecting to His Lord and Master. Wrapped in all that darkness, He had the Light of His Creator. As it says in the Qur’an, Allah is the light of the Heavens and the Earth (24:35)

And there was Yusuf (Joseph, peace be upon him), who was alone in the darkness of the well and alone in prison (after his prison mates left), with no friend or family, no one except for his Lord.

Last Ramadan, I didn’t want to eat iftar (breaking of the fast) alone on most days, even though I ended up doing so (I wouldn’t have minded it so much if it wasn’t for the already lingering loneliness). Just before this Ramadan began, I mentally prepared to have and even want to have iftar  alone. In order to fight the Loneliness Monster, I felt that I needed to  really focus on being ok with being alone, every day, all the time. I felt I should work on being alone with and connecting with my Lord and Creator. I was going to focus on that connection and not care whether or not I would have iftar alone or not; in fact I would practice being glad for it. I would be free from distractions of socializing, of  eating too much or poorly and instead be more focused on worship, to really connect with my Lord and Master and get to know Him as much as I can.

Already one week into Ramadan, I have been mostly OK with having almost every iftar alone. The only time I felt “blah” was when people told me about how many iftars they got invited to. When I finally had an iftar to go to, while it felt nice to be in company, I couldn’t help but feel the precious time of Ramadan being wasted. I wouldn’t mind talking about anything and everything most other days, but Ramadan is a time of reflection and worship, of connecting and reconnecting with one’s Creator.

Perhaps that really is why I almost always find myself alone. Perhaps it is not that Allah wants to deprive me of connections with people but to bless me with the best connection  – connection with Him, to bring me closer to Him. Allah knows I need it.

…put your trust in Allah, and enough is Allah as a disposer of affairs … (4:81)

…And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (65:3)

Dream the improbable dream

“Nothing is impossible, the word itself says ‘I’m possible’!” – Audrey Hepburn

Throughout my 30+ years on this Earth, I’ve come across many negative messages, not just in regards to marriage but also in other aspects of life. Some (or many) times, when we tell some people our hopes, dreams or aspirations, they deflate them with a “Oh that’s not likely to happen” kind of message. People mean well, I know they do, but as the saying goes “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

Let’s use a hypothetical example of a person who is applying for a position at a well-known company. This person has little to no experience, job-wise, but has done well in school and “knows his stuff”. When he tells his friends, family and acquaintances, he may hear a variation of the following messages: “Dude, you know how hard it is to get in?” “Man, Good luck with that…it’s nearly impossible to get a job there.” “My cousin, who had TONS of experience at high level positions couldn’t even get a job there.” I wish you the best of luck!” “Hope for the best, expect the worst.”

Whether or not this person gets the job isn’t really the point as much as it people’s perceptions that there is NO WAY (or mostly) he could get it.

But what about the stories from the Qur’an. One of my favorites if that of Prophet Zachariah who wanted a child for YEARS and kept asking his Lord for one. He finally is promised one…when he and his wife are old and his wife is infertile. Even as a prophet of God, who believes in the Creator’s ability to do ANYTHNG is flabbergasted, asks “how?” and asks for a sign. The response: “Just like that.” The Creator of all that is can make anything happen; an infertile woman having a child is easy.

There are many stories like this in the Qur’an, of miracles (the impossible) happening. And how many of us have heard of tales in our own lives, of terminal cancers going into remission, of children being found alive in rubble?

What then of things that are completely and totally POSSIBLE, but may not be PROBABLE?

I’ve seen and heard people try to squash people’s hopes or even prevent them from trying something, just because they see that person’s desires as “hard to reach” or “impractical”. Yes, there are things that are not going to JUST happen, like getting in shape while not exercising or a cake baking while the oven is off. But if one actually strives towards a goal that isn’t necessarily impossible, but that people think “Probably won’t happen”, then I think it’s best to offer an encouraging word or be silent and let them dream.

Unsolicited advice: If you find yourself faced with naysayers telling you what may or may not happen, say “If the Almighty can create all of this, and given me opportunities that many would have thought impossible, and provided us with so many miracles, then surely it is nothing for me to have what I/we seek”. And also, it is probably (heh 🙂 best to choose not to share your hopes and dreams with negative people who will just leave you feeling “blah”. Instead, pray for your dreams to come true and only share them with those worthy – those who will believe in the possibility of their realization and may even help and pray for it.

As the Lord of all worlds says “Allah is capable of all things/has the power to do anything.” If one is to truly say “I believe”, then one must embody that belief in heart and mind.

The struggle is real…and so is the reward

ومن يَّتهيَّبْ صُعُودَ الجبالِ

يَعِشْ أبدَ الدَّهرِ بين الحُفَرِ

“The one who fears scaling the mountains, will always remain in the ditch.” – Arabic expression

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On my latest visit to CA, on my first day there, my older brother, A, was working from home so I scratched my original plan of going to SF and stayed home. But, as working from home constitutes actually working (and I hadn’t gotten any work myself), I took A’s suggested of biking the trail by his house, the one he told me leads to the Bay and a really nice view.

I wasn’t sure about taking my SIL’s bike because it still had the kid seat on it and that was a big bother. Really. But, I managed to get on it and made my way to the trail.

The first leg of the journey was enough, but as I got closer to the bay, the win was blowing harder and against me (which I realized meant I was getting closer to the bay). Biking uphill or against high wind is super tough for me and I was tempted to turn back. But, I also wanted to reach the end, a chance I didn’t know whether I would have again. I was at an impasse.

Because neither going against the gust nor turning back were favorable options, I decided to stop trying to bike against the wing and walk the bike to the bay instead. When I got there and asked a few bikers how much further the trail went, a young lady answered that it was 2 miles but if I went up the hills I could bypass and shortcut back, and that the view there is amazing.

That’s where I decided to go next and it proved to be even harder than biking against the wind; now I had wind, plus hills, plus the weight of the bike. The hills were so steep that even going downhill was tough (I did as one passerby suggested and walked on the grass instead of the rocky trail). I was still walking the bike, not even attempting to ride it for fear of not being able to stop (going downhill) or failing to go up. I wanted to get to the highest hill and it was such a struggle for all the aforementioned reasons. At this point the desire to turn back was getting stronger, but so was the desire to keep going, despite how hard it was. The thought of turning back felt worse than the climb – to have all that work be for nothing, to just end there without making it to the end – was not a pleasant thought. That’s when I decided to just leave the bike and climb the rest of the way on my own.

And throughout all of this, I kept thinking about this as a metaphor for life. As Muslims, we know that life is full of tests and that we will have to struggle through them, that at times we will feel like it’s just too much and we’ll want to quit. But we persevere. We persevere because we believe in the end we will have the reward of Jannah (Paradise), and in light of that reward, we will see those struggles as not only “worth it” but as nothing.

In Surat al Balad (Part #90 from the Qur’an), in verse 10, the Creator uses the word “نجدين”, which means two (steep) hills to speak of the path of righteousness and that of misguidance, both of which have been shown to us and which are up to us to choose.

When I left the bike behind, I thought about how, in life, we may have someone or something in our life that was supposed to help make the journey easier, and maybe did for a little bit, but then may actually be slowing or bringing us down, making our journey more difficult than it needs to be. This may because of our own lack of strength, but we still need to decide what to do. We can either choose to let them go and go on alone, take them with us and struggle/take longer to get where we want to be or turn back.

I finally did get to the top… MashaAllah (Whatever God wills) what a view. I wish I could have stayed there for longer and just basked in it, but I needed to get back. I did take pictures to enjoy and share later (of course).

 

Tawakulling revisited – the way out

Previously, on Single Green Muslim…

I was struggling with trying to graduate in time to make it to the graduation ceremony.  The deadline for when I needed to have my clinic hours done (the ONLY thing I had left to do) was approaching and I was utilizing all the avenues to try and get clients to fill those hours, to no avail.  Former clients couldn’t make their follow-ups for various reasons, new clients had to cancel for one reason or another and other potential clients were not becoming clients.  I had done EVERYTHING the marketing coach told us to do and still was coming up short.  It was a challenging time for me, especially, as I previously discussed, I didn’t know how it would end and I had so much emotional investment in wanting to graduate that I was distressed about how it WOULD end.

It always amazes me how Allah speaks to us every day, without us even picking up the Quran.  Have you ever come upon a verse or saying on facebook or on someone’s gmail status that was EXACTLY what you needed to be told and to hear?  Well, that happened to me quite a bit during this particular time and one of the verses that was “revealed” to me was:

وَمَنْ يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَلْ لَهُ مَخْرَجًا( 2    وَ رْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَنْ يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَلِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرً   (3  …
And whosoever fears Allâh and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). (2) And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh, then He will suffice him. Verily, Allâh will accomplish his purpose. Indeed Allâh has set a measure for all things.(3)

This is from the chapter entitled Divorce, #65. And it was exactly what I needed to hear/see.  I thought about all the times I had needed something very badly, going through a hardship and somehow, some way there was a way out that I hadn’t even thought of. When I was looking for an apartment when before moving here, I had advertised in the Muslim newspaper, looked in it every week, asked a Muslim well-known in the community to look out for me….  I had wanted to rent out from Muslims  and was finding nothing suitable for me.  I went through craigslist and had found some possible leads, but they were all dead-ends for one reason or another.  I looked at apartment complexes and they were all very expensive for what they were offering, and I really wanted a washer and dryer in my place.  Finally, I came upon one ad in craigslist that sounded promising.  It included a washer and dryer, was in a good location for commuting to school and being by the masjid (mosque) and had a separate entrance.  My mother and I drove down to see it and although I had some minor qualms about it, it looked like exactly what I needed. And, it was being rented out by a Muslim!  A few weeks later I came with my father to sign the lease.  Looking back, I know I never could have imagined such a place.  Even my friends wonder how I found it. It’s totally separate, unattached to the house of my landlord/lady (but right next door so it’s not isolated). I have a washer and dryer, my own kitchen, it’s in a safe neighborhood and it’s a convenient location for commuting to various parts of the state.  I have a post office and supermarket within walking distance so I can get some purposeful walking in.  MashaAllah, all praise be to God, he made a way out for me in a way I could never have imagined.

And the same happened with my graduation dilemma.  One day, a classmate chatted with me and asked me about clinic.  When I told her it was going ok and how many I had left, she quickly signed up to be my client.  She also e-mailed colleagues asking them to help me finish by being my client (once we finished clinic we were able to see each other).  One other person signed up through that e-mail.  I also spoke with my advisor about it because I was afraid I wouldn’t make the deadline.  She went with me to ask for a one-week extension (which I got) and encouraged me to ask the first year class to come see me in clinic.  I was hesitant, and I cried when I told her how I was feeling very bad about the situation as it was, given that others had been able to finish without asking for help.  One of the first year students heard me and came up to me to tell me to do it for them, because one day they will be in the same shoes.  After some internal dialogue, I did it (thankfully without crying, which was my biggest fear) and had at least four or five students volunteer without hesitation. Times didn’t work out for many of them, but one did see me.  I was inspired from these events to put my pride aside and e-mail people I knew and ask them for help.  One of my classmates volunteered to bring in her daughter to come see me.  Before I knew it, I had more than enough people “on the books”, so that I even had back-ups for in case a client couldn’t show up…SubhanAllah!  In the end, I made it by the extended deadline.  And, in fact, I found out later that I actually made it before this deadline and finished with two extra consultations!

It was one of the most challenging times for me and I found my way out (by Allah’s will) was my asking for and accepting help, which was/is apparently very difficult for me.  I like to be independent and not need anyone for anything so as to not be a burden on anyone.  I try to be self-sufficient and do things on my own so that no one has to be bothered.  I like to help others whenever I can but don’t willingly accept help from others.  This was a lesson in humility; we can’t be self-sufficient, at least not all the time.  We all need something from someone at sometime. And that’s OK.

Now, as I face another challenge, I reflect back on this time and those verses, believing God’s promise that He will make a way out for me.  And I can try and think of how in the world that’s going to happen but in reality I don’t need to, because it’ll be in a way I never imagined.