The Other L-word (con’t)

The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. – Douglas Coupland

When I feel truly alone, with a sense of being lost, even empty inside, it is then I realize I have unknowingly moved away from God.  So I move back. – David L Weatherford

Last year, when I visited NJ in the fall, I stayed for a few weeks and felt the loneliness of my singleness to the extreme. It was my first visit since my brother got married, so I had a few third and fifth wheel moments. I went on a lovely retreat with friends, all of whom were married. At a dinner (again, where I was the only unmarried girl) one friend asked if everyone would get remarried if, God forbid, their husbands died. Two said yes because “They wouldn’t want to be alone”. I ran to the bathroom, crying.

(Side note: I love (yes, I said it) my married friends…and being around ALL married people, constantly, is hard. Marriage is like an exclusive club that you can only get into with an invitation. I can only speak about marriage in theory to which many marrieds will respond with “Oh, but you don’t know” (verbally or non-verbally). And then there’s the reminder of not being married, of not being in this exclusive club when everyone talks about husband/marriage stuff. And yes, I know that marriage isn’t the solution to loneliness. I never believed it and I still do not. I know a bad marriage can be even lonelier than a good marriage. I know that even in a good marriage, there are moments where either spouse feels lonely.

Also, any marrieds out there who wish to reply with “I would LOVE some alone time”, I urge you to not. Wanting and having alone time is different than being alone all. the.time. Also, you can be alone if you want, you know (not saying it would be right to do but it’s certainly possible).)

On my most recent trip to NJ, I was able to hang out and vacation with another single gal, which was a nice. I got to hang out and catch up with some old friends and connect ore with some newer ones, Alhamdulillah, praise and thanks are for Allah.

During this trip, I was also able to visit MD where I got to laugh and joke about singleness with a few girls at ICNA.  While driving down to my old ‘hood, all the wonderful memories of friends I had made and places I used to frequent came flooding back. I saw a glimpse of my apartment and visited friends. I felt an extra layer of sadness when I was leaving. I had already left NJ and said my goodbyes there and when I left MD, I felt like I was saying goodbye again. Leaving MD the first time was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do.

When I came back to TX, the loneliness came back, too. I had had to say farewell to friends in both MD and NJ that I had spent years getting acquainted and reacquainted, respectively, and go back to life in TX, alone again. I began to question my decision to stay in TX. Yes, I could have chosen to move back to NJ (or MD), to either live with my parents or in my own place (each with its own consequences). I would probably have a flexible enough schedule that I could see friends frequently, friends who told me they missed me and wished I would come back. But what if I did move back? Would things be the same as when I was there before? Would I become part of the background and just another tree in the forest? (Not that I need to stand out or anything…). How would I grow? We need to be outside of our comfort zone to grow; being in TX is definitely uncomfortable (Alhamdulillah/Thanks and praise are for Allah).

Despite these thoughts, I had looked forward to coming back to Dallas. I wanted to be in my own place with the comfort of my own home, to have some solitude.  I looked forward going back to attending classes at the mosque. After a visit from a friend, I had reunions with alumni from my school. Despite being surrounded by all those people, I felt extremely lonely. It was hard for me to hold back the tears. Some people noticed I looked sad and asked if I was ok, but I didn’t say anything; I didn’t really want to talk about it or to anyone. I wasn’t even sure what it was I was feeling or why. I thought maybe some of it had to do with my friend’s sadness because of her divorce, even though I knew it was the best thing for her.

Then, I understood: everyone had someone or something to which they belonged. If it wasn’t a spouse, it was a sibling or an institution or a job – something! I was just…there. People even asked me if I worked for _____ company or ____ school. Nope. “What do you do then?” ….

Making it worse was having a hard time finding someone to carpool to the graduation with; everyone already had people they were going with (family, friends, etc).

At the graduation itself, I could see where everyone belonged: they were either staff, family of graduates, general supporters who were there as part of another group. And then there was me.

Loneliness Monster was back, infecting me and filling my head with thoughts of  “you don’t belong here” (*shakes fist*). I tried to shake it off, to remember the principles I had learned in “Transformed, but it was really hard.  I reminded myself of everything I had to be grateful for, and yet all I could do was compare myself to everyone else. “They all have someONE or someTHING keeping them here and I am here, all alone, by myself.” (womp womp)

There are some people (some of whom are friends) who are TERRIFIED of being alone and have never experienced it. They lived with their parents until they were married. They don’t do anything, besides errands,  by themselves. If they can’t find anyone to do something with, they will not do it (and not only because of safety reasons). It bothers me when I hear this because I have had to do so many things by myself. I could have chosen not to do them but then I would have missed out on doing a lot of things, simply because I couldn’t find anyone to do it with. It also bothers me because it’s these very people who have never HAD to do anything by themselves, who have always had a buddy or a spouse be there for them to do things with (May Allah put blessings in their lives with their friends and spouses). I’ve honestly felt (feel) that Allah pushed me to be alone and do things alone. Every time I searched for vacation buddies, I couldn’t find anyone, so I went alone. Anytime someone searched for a vacation buddy, they found me or others. As I’ve said before, I don’t despise living alone or solitude. I believe and know there has to be a reason why Allah wants/ed me to be alone so much.

Then, I remembered the story of Yunus (Jonah), peace be upon him, who was SUPER duper alone. If one likens loneliness with being in darkness, he was engulfed in triple darkness: the darkness of the whale’s belly, the darkness of the ocean and the darkness of the night…and not just for one day! His only way of surviving, of not going insane (which happens to inmates in solitary confinement) was worshipping and connecting to His Lord and Master. Wrapped in all that darkness, He had the Light of His Creator. As it says in the Qur’an, Allah is the light of the Heavens and the Earth (24:35)

And there was Yusuf (Joseph, peace be upon him), who was alone in the darkness of the well and alone in prison (after his prison mates left), with no friend or family, no one except for his Lord.

Last Ramadan, I didn’t want to eat iftar (breaking of the fast) alone on most days, even though I ended up doing so (I wouldn’t have minded it so much if it wasn’t for the already lingering loneliness). Just before this Ramadan began, I mentally prepared to have and even want to have iftar  alone. In order to fight the Loneliness Monster, I felt that I needed to  really focus on being ok with being alone, every day, all the time. I felt I should work on being alone with and connecting with my Lord and Creator. I was going to focus on that connection and not care whether or not I would have iftar alone or not; in fact I would practice being glad for it. I would be free from distractions of socializing, of  eating too much or poorly and instead be more focused on worship, to really connect with my Lord and Master and get to know Him as much as I can.

Already one week into Ramadan, I have been mostly OK with having almost every iftar alone. The only time I felt “blah” was when people told me about how many iftars they got invited to. When I finally had an iftar to go to, while it felt nice to be in company, I couldn’t help but feel the precious time of Ramadan being wasted. I wouldn’t mind talking about anything and everything most other days, but Ramadan is a time of reflection and worship, of connecting and reconnecting with one’s Creator.

Perhaps that really is why I almost always find myself alone. Perhaps it is not that Allah wants to deprive me of connections with people but to bless me with the best connection  – connection with Him, to bring me closer to Him. Allah knows I need it.

…put your trust in Allah, and enough is Allah as a disposer of affairs … (4:81)

…And whoever relies upon Allah – then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose. Allah has already set for everything a [decreed] extent. (65:3)

The Dua Notebook

I hate the movie “The Notebook”. I mean hate with a capital H.A.T.E. Why shall be elaborated in another post, inshaAllah (God willing). But, until that exciting time, let’s focus on a notebook worth reading and writing: A dua notebook.

“Dua” is translated by Muslims to supplication in English. It’s basically praying to God for something, but because we have the 5 daily prayers that are not the same as “asking God for something”, we term it supplication to differentiate (at least that’s what I think is the case).

Anyway, when Muslims say “Make dua for me” they’re basically saying “pray for me; ask God to grant me something or alleviate a hardship for me”.

Recently my friend Ayesha posted this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=35WtcUnv3IU

Which I thought was a great idea. Sometimes someone asks me to make dua for them and sometimes I forget. Sometimes I even forget some things for myself. Dua can me made anytime, but there are certain times where it is guaranteed answer, so I like to be sure to get in on these times and remember all the important duas I want to make (for others and myself).

So, I set out to find a good notebook for this use. One that open like a book, but small enough that I could carry it around in my purse and hold in the palm of my hand, but big enough to fit duas for a while. I found an old Fivestar notebook that I had used to miscellaneous note-taking and to my pleasant surprise, it was the notebook I had used when I went on Hajj (the pilgrimage). It not only had journal type entries from Hajj, but also all the duas that I had written down to make for myself and those that had requested my dua. I read through some of it and was really thankful I had written these prayers down. I was not able to look back, retrospectively, at what I had prayed for and what had happened since then.  One of the things I prayed for was the ability to go to MD to study Herbal medicine if it was good for me. And lo and behold, over 5 years after I had written and prayed for that, I was a graduate from that school!

So, needless to say, I am going to, God willing, add to that notebook and keep up the practice of keeping a dua notebook. Any prayers my friends, family or I need will, God willing, go in there. And years later, I can read back and see which ones were answered (and how) and which ones are yet to be. For it is said that:

 “There is no Muslim who does not offer any du’a in which there is no sin or severing of family ties but Allah will give him one of three things in return: either He will answer his du’a sooner, or he will store it up for him in the Hereafter, or He will divert an equivalent evil away from him because of it.” They said: “We will say a lot of du’a.” The Prophet saws said: “Allah is more generous.” [Musnad Ahmad] (Thanks Yusra for the source!)

Thank you, and I don’t celebrate Christmas

It’s that time of year again!  The time of year where everything becomes festively decorated, people go gift-buying for their loved ones, and people talk about how they are preparing for the holidays.  As a Muslim, I do not celebrate Christmas nor any holiday that comes this time of year.  Surrounded by those who do, sometimes people will ask “You don’t celebrate Christmas, right?” (something I truly appreciate).  Then, there’s the instances I run into where someone will wish me a Merry Christmas and I am not sure how to respond. Sometimes I won’t say anything, other times I’ll say thank you. And sometimes, depending on who it is, I’ll add “and I don’t celebrate Christmas”.

I understand that sometimes the Christmas greeting is a knee jerk reaction, like when I say “you too” in response to friends telling me to “drive safely” after I’ve dropped them off. And sometimes, I have realized, people just feel like sharing their holiday cheer with everyone and wishing EVERYONE a merry Christmas, whether they celebrate it or not.

“Well, what’s wrong with being wished some happiness?”

Some people get offended at someone “rejecting” this greeting of cheer.  Isn’t it better that they send a greeting of good cheer than withhold it? Sure it is. AND when that greeting is attached to a religious event that I don’t partake in, I wonder whatever happened to being sensitive to other people’s beliefs?

Now before you label me and/or my fellow Muslims a Grinch or a Scrooge, let’s rewind and try to understand why I even bring this up. The basic tenet of Islam is to believe in one God, with no partners, no sons, daughters, parents, cousins…nothing! Just ONE GOD.  To associate any partners with God is the biggest sin of all (shirk), for which there is guaranteed “no forgiveness” (unless the person repents).

Christmas, which has a lot of Pagan practices and rituals that I neither understand fully nor want to get into, is a celebration of the birth of God’s son/human incarnation of God.  Thus, celebrating it would be going against the PRIMARY belief that every Muslim must hold in order to maintain the status of “Muslim”.

“But don’t Muslims believe in Jesus? Can’t you just accept it as a day to celebrate him?”

Again, this goes back to the history of Christmas, the practices and ideologies behind it and the basic belief of Islam. I do not celebrate the birthday of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), who is even more revered in Islam than the Prophet Jesus (peace be upon him). If I did want to celebrate either of their birthdays, I would do so by doing something they often did, like fast or help the poor or feed the hungry.

“Christmas is just an American (and Western) holiday. You don’t have to be Christian to celebrate it”

Yes, Christmas has veered off into a secular holiday; many of the people I know who celebrate it do not ascribe to the Christian religion. While this may irk some Christians (especially those who want to keep the “Christ in Christmas”), this is how it is.  And indeed, most Christmas movies reiterate the existence of the fictitious character known as Santa Claus (and how no one seems to believe in him anymore) instead of celebrating and reminding people of the miracle birth of Jesus.

For Muslims, the rule of thumb when living in any society is that we may follow its customs and cultures AS LONG AS they do not go against or contradict any Islamic practice or belief.  For those of us living in America, that takes out Halloween, Easter, SAINT Valentine’s Day (we don’t believe in Saints, either) and of course, Christmas.

“So, even if someone doesn’t celebrate it,  what’s wrong with just WISHING them a Merry Christmas?”

Imagine if there was an American holiday known as “Pork eating day” that was celebrated with as big of a hullabaloo as Christmas.  Would people wish people of the Hindu, Jewish and/or Muslim faith – or even vegans, vegetarians and others who do not eat pork –  a ” happy Pork Eating Day”? And eating pork, while a sin for Muslims, is nowhere near the magnitude of shirk. I know it’s an odd example, but it’s a point I’m trying to make that, while I appreciate and accept the good cheer that comes behind the greeting (really, I do), I don’t accept the actual greeting itself.

Christmas is a BIG deal here in the US and growing up as a Muslim American, I have experienced being one of the “odd ones out” of people who do not participate in the festivities. But, because we have a long way to go in being PC and having tolerance and acceptance of other people’s cultures and beliefs, beyond being told to have a Merry Christmas, in public school, I  learned (and sang) ALL the Christmas songs in music class, watched Christmas movies on the short school days just before vacation,  made Christmas hats and stockings in sewing class and was given Christmas cards and gifts by teachers. I even remember making a mini-Christmas tree out of Readers’ Digest magazines once (it was actually pretty cool).  So, even in public school (a place deemed secular and religion-free), I was surrounded by Christmas.

But what is it about Christmas? Last year, I asked my Facebook audience why most people do not wish everyone a Happy Hanukkah.  My intention was to get people thinking about the reason why most people spread Christmas cheer, but not really Hanukkah cheer, or Kwanzaa cheer. Most likely, I thought, it’s because most people don’t celebrate the latter two holidays and venture to guess that the majority of their fellow Americans don’t either. So, then why not apply this concept to Christmas  – only wishing it to those who do celebrate it?

I know some people may not know that Muslims do not celebrate Christmas (hence my trying to politely inform them), but those who DO know…why the resistance? I’ve found that some of those who did know, upon my reinforcing my personal beliefs, were extremely offended, as if I rejected their greeting of peace and love.  For me, it’s less about rejection and more about acknowledging that not all Americans have the same traditions as each other. I believe the more we acknowledge and understand differences between the different people living around us, the better we can appreciate them and get along with each other.  After all, don’t racism and prejudice stem from intolerance to people’s differences and the belief that all of “them” should be like “us”?

Muslim like me?

The two Muslim holidays, “Eid Al-Fitr” and “Eid Al-Adha” come and go and I almost never get wished by random strangers a “Happy Eid!”, nor do I wish a happy Eid to random strangers (but I will wish it to random Muslims).  There are the co-workers or friends who know when Ramadan rolls around and wish me a Blessed Ramadan (which I absolutely love and appreciate), but many don’t know about the two Eids or their significance.  It doesn’t bother me that non-Muslims don’t do anything for Eid because I wouldn’t want them to be celebrated as “just another American holiday”. The meaning behind it would get lost and the true reason for celebrating them would disappear. They’re special to me as a Muslim because there are rituals and beliefs that surround them, that we partake of together and teach our children to love and understand.  I can’t (and won’t) do that with Christmas.  I’ve never celebrated either Eid outside of the U.S. (or maybe one once when I was a child), so I don’t know how Muslims interact with non-Muslims during this time. Does everyone get greeted with “Eid Mubarak?” Do they have “Secret Eidee” at work places that all have to participate in, regardless of whether they celebrate it or not?  I do not know. But, wherever we live, I feel like when we need to be aware of other people’s beliefs and not assume that everyone is like us (or should be).

For many Muslims who have converted into Islam, and whose family celebrates Christmas, this time of year is even more challenging.  While they have accepted the beliefs and practices of Islam, which include not celebrating Christmas, their families of origin have not. My friend Elisabeth explained to me how it’s an especially trying and tense time as she faces the dilemma of delaying her trip to see her family, who have all gathered for the holidays, until after December 25th, or going earlier and being around everyone celebrating a holiday they she can’t and doesn’t.  There’s a struggle of whether or how to gather with family without seeming like they’re celebrating, of being in the midst of holiday practices (beyond giving gifts or singing carols) that go against Islam, such as drinking alcohol, mixing with the opposite gender, etc.  So, she and her family must choose whether they will avoid these situations by not spending this day with her family of origin and seemingly ostracizing themselves from their own blood.  Or they will gather with their family and try their best to avoid participating as much as possible. May Allah (God) make it easy for them. Ame(e)n.

Best Christmas EVER

In 2001, my family and I went for Ummrah (a mini-pilgrimage) during winter break. I remember being in Mecca and seeing only the lights of the stores and the mosques outside.  On December 25th, nothing happened. It was a day like any other. There were no songs about Rudolph or how Santa was coming to town or how anyone was coming home for Christmas (and only in my dreams).  I reveled in this…to experience Christmas exactly how it is for me every year – a day like any other.

Love, Liberty and the Pursuit of marriage (part 2)

Why get married?

No matter what our marital status is – whether we’re happily married, unhappily married, unhappily divorced or happily divorced – it seems that the wish for someone else’s marriage (especially our family and close friends) is ever-present. I’ve often wondered why that is, why no matter how successful or happy one may be, the wish for marriage, for settling down is always there.  I’ve come to a few conclusions:

1)  Getting married is closure. It’s the happy end of a life well lived. Ok, so you may have a house, but who are you sharing it with? Ok, you have a career, but who do you come home to? Who do you spend the money on? Who do you go on vacations with?  We may have accomplished all of life’s other goals (graduating from college, getting a job, maybe getting a house), but the milestone of marriage is still unfulfilled.

2)   We equate our marriage fulfillment to how “good” we are. “You’re so great, how are you not married?” We’ve either said this to someone or had it said to us (or both). It’s the hope that someone of the opposite gender sees what we see in our friends and loves them more deeply and intimately than we ever could.  We also feel that if we’re so great, someone of the opposite gender would certainly see this and love us the way we want to be loved.  The truth is, however, that one’s marital status has next to nothing to do with how good or great they are.  Plenty of criminals, psychopaths, liars, cheaters, etc are or have been married.  Good people don’t always marry well.  In Islam, the wife of Pharaoh, one of the worst tyrants on earth, was married to one of the best women to ever live (Asiyah).  As far as we know (based on Islamic texts) , Mariam (the virgin Mary) was never married.

3)   People want to see us happy. Even if we appear to be happy as singletons, there is a deeply rooted belief that one can never be truly happy unless they are in a romantic relationship. I think we can be happy on our own, but will be happier with a good romantic partner.  John Gray actually says that women are responsible for 90% of their own happiness, and men can ONLY fulfill 10%. That means if a woman fails to fulfill her own 90%, she will always come up short on being 100% happy. If she depends totally on a man to make her happy (something many woman (and men) are guilty of and many romantic comedies condone), she will only be able to be 10% happy and the couple will be 100% miserable in the failure of “him making her happy”.

4)   Our parents want to see us settled, and want grandchildren, before they die. What parent doesn’t dream of being present at their child’s wedding, of holding and playing with their grandbabies?  When their children don’t marry, I think parents not only feel sad on getting older and not seeing this rite of passage fulfilled, but also feel a sense of failure, as if their children’s lack of marriage is a reflection of their own failure (because, after all, being married means we’re good and not being married means something must be wrong with us).

As much as society (including our parents, friends, family) want us to get married and as much as we may want to get married, I feel an important question to ask is WHY do we want to get married. For Muslims who do not have relationships outside of marriage, one of the reasons is (usually) to have a permissible romantic relationship with someone of the opposite gender, to fulfill out desires for intimacy (physical AND emotional).  Other reasons may include wanting to start a family, wanting financial support (I know some women who would trade in their full-time jobs to let a man bring home the proverbial bread while they stay home) and wanting a companion who offers more than a roommate can – a true life partnership.  Some people also want to get away from one’s parents house, to have someone to take care of or be taken care of by, not wanting to be single anymore.

Sometimes the reasons to get married aren’t the reasons we do get married for.  Some people get married because they’re lonely, because they’re tired of going to weddings of friends, by themselves, watching their friends live out their dream weddings, going on beautiful honeymoons, having their own home and children.  Some women get married because they’re tired of working and paying all the bills themselves; they want someone to be financially responsible for them.  Some women just want a man with whom to have babies.   Some men want someone to make their house a home, to come home to a home-cooked meal after a long day at work.  Some people may also get married because of their parents’ strictness (or restrictions). They may not be able to go out at certain times or to certain places.  They may be told to do this or that and not allowed to do this or that.  They’re also not permitted to move out on their own…until we get married. So, they feel that marriage is the answer to our freedom.

When we get married because we feel we need an emotional or physical fulfillment, out of desperation or loneliness, we run the risk of making poor decisions and rushing into marriage without thinking seriously about it.  Before entering into any relationship, we need to think about our intentions that are driving us towards being in them. This is ESPECIALLY true for marriage, because unlike friendships, it is not easily dissolved.  I believe part of the reason for some of the poorly chosen reasons for getting married do come from societal pressures. I think they also come from the unrealistic ways in which marriage is portrayed.  Movies are great at making love relationships and marriage seem like it’s the solution to all one’s misery and problems.  Have you ever noticed that all romantic comedies end at the time of the couple’s marriage? They never make “How to keep a guy for 10 years” or “The Five-year Planner”.  That’s because he climax is forming of the relationship, not of its continuation. There’s no interest in watching two people be married and make a life together. Besides, there is very little that many of these couples can form a relationship on.  And, as art imitates life (and vice versa), in reality, people choose to think before they leap, ignore red flags and go forth with a relationship that has very little basis for a long-term continuation.

 

Love, Liberty and the Pursuit of marriage (Part 1)

Jane Austen wrote about it. Young Jewish women sang about it (Fiddler on the Roof, for those who didn’t get the reference). There are several books (self-help, biopics, and others) and tons of movies on the topics.  Indeed, love, marriage, and more specifically who to marry, are subjects that transcends time periods, nations, cultures, generations, ages and even sexual orientation.  People from all over the world are are seeking advice on how to get married, stay married, become happily married, whether or not they should be unmarried, or how to legally be able to marry.  And it’s not surprising, being that from the time we are young, almost all of us are constantly bombarded with messages of the expectations of getting married some day: “I can’t wait until your wedding”; “When you get married…”; “Your future husband/wife is one lucky man/woman”. We match-make little kids with each other before they’re even able to say “heck no!”

It’s a hopeful expectation, that one day, when we’ve grown up into adults, we’ll meet a significant other (which I guess makes all our friends insignificant others? :P) and agree to a life of mutual love in the context of marriage.  Weddings are one of the happiest occasions in human life and divorce one of the saddest.  Most movies include some sort of love story between two characters, regardless of the genre.  Most cultures have their own sayings or stance on marriage.  For example, Liz Gilbert mentions in “Eat Pray Love” that Balinese people never want to hear that a woman is not married. So, when a woman is asked if she’s married she should always respond “not yet”.

And it’s not like we don’t wish it for ourselves.  Most of us dream of how and when we’ll meet that who we’ll marry.  No matter how much we love we may get from or give to our family and friends, we still feel a desire for romantic love. After all, a spousal relationship is different than any other relationship we have in our lives. It’s the only lifelong relationship that is via a commitment and a contract. It’s the most intimate of relationships and is a literal union of two souls and two families. There’s nothing like it and it’s very important, society tells us.  People tell us how much they want to see us married, how wonderful it is to be married and how we should be married. But people fail to tell us how to get married, and more importantly how to marry well, nor how to stay married, be happily married, or when it’s time to become unmarried.

The reason why this topic gets so much talk and attention is because of how universal and issue-heavy it is.  For Muslims, we have our own unique issues that are just starting to be identified, but have a long way to go as far as being truly discussed and addressed.

 

 

Only in Ramadan

The blessed month of Ramadan is almost over, just as soon as it started. This happens every year…it gos by so quickly, as time in this day and age tends to do. And as it passes by, I can’t help but notice some amazing things that happen during this month:

• People gather together for dinner, even on weekdays. Any other time of year, we usually will not invite people over for dinner on a weekday. And even if we did, more likely they wouldn’t come over. But during Ramadan, people WILL come over for dinner. They will drive from afar to come to your dinner party.  I think the main reasons for this are that a) people have not been eating all day and will gladly come over for some great home-cooking b) everyone’s eating dinner at the same time and c) one gets a huge reward for feeding fasting   people.

• People will go to the mosque every day. Even if someone doesn’t pray the regular 5 daily prayers, they’ll go to Taraweeh (nightly prayers). Not only will they do this, but they’ll stay late, up until 12 or 12:30, on weeknights when they have work the next day!

• People are really generous, hence the large number of fundraisers.  And these fundraisers end up raising LOTS of money! But people aren’t just generous with their money, but also their time (volunteering) and food (inviting people over for dinner).

• Food is plentiful! Some people actually gain weight in Ramadan because of how MUCH food there is…even though there really isn’t enough time to eat it. But, because there isn’t enough time, we sometimes eat too much after the long fast, then help ourselves to something after the long prayer at the mosque, then wake up super early for a pre-fast meal. We feel the need to have REALLY GOOD food after not eating all day and dream of eating all the stuff we’ve been craving (but couldn’t have), so we cook smorgasbords of food. I went to an iftar (Ramadan fast-breaking meal) the other night and there was literally over 5 different kinds of meat! Chicken that was fried, barbecued, roasted, kabobed…and then other kinds of animal.

• We give up things we didn’t think we could. What are usual things to do during the day or night outside of Ramadan are now considered “time wasters”. It’s not that they’re forbidden, but we know this time only lasts for a short while and that we need to use each minute, hour, day and night wisely. We may not always succeed, but most of us do try a lot harder to get closer to our Creator in Ramadan.

• We see people! As I said above, we’ll gather for dinner and eat together. But we’ll also see people that we haven’t seen in AGES. There are all sorts of fundraisers and events that people come for and I went to two where I saw some people that I haven’t seen since the day they got married (or shortly thereafter). I moved to MD right at the start of Ramadan and it was the perfect opportunity to meet people and make friends. I don’t know if I actually made most of my friends that way, but I certainly was never lonely.

What do you notice most about Ramadan that is different than any other time of the year?

Ramadan FAQs

1. What is Ramadan?

It’s 9th month of the Islamic lunar calendar.  Think of it as the Muslim September. 🙂

2. When is Ramadan?

Because it follows the lunar calendar, the Islamic year shifts every year by about 11 days. So, it slowly moves further and further “up” the Gregorian calendar, from winter to fall to summer.  Also, we don’t know the exact day that Ramadan starts until the day before, because it is determined by the moon, which must be seen.  There are two main ways people start Ramadan: global sighting and local sighting. In global sighting, the new moon is taken as sighted if anyone (from any other country in the world) who shares a part of the day or night sees it. Local sighting is based on, well, local sighting.

If it’s cloudy and the moon cannot be seen, then Ramadan is determined to be the day after.

3. So you guys Can’t eat for the WHOLE MONTH?

No, we would die. 🙂  We fast every day from before dawn until sunset.

4. But you can drink water, right?

No. Nothing by mouth.

5. What if you physically can’t fast? I don’t think I could make it that long without eating…I’d faint!

There are some people who are exempt from fasting and this includes the sick, the traveling and pregnant or breastfeeding women. Anyone from these categories are allowed to fast if they choose, but not at the risk of their (or baby’s) health. Fasts must be made up (because Ramadan is a fixed amount of days that one must do), unless the sickness is permanent.

I’ll have a different pots about what we can or cannot do, but I’m sure if someone offered to pay your bills, buy you a house, a new car and anything else you wanted for a year in exchange for fasting 12 hours per day for a month, you’d suddenly be able to do it. God has promised more than this for Muslims, so our motivation is even greater.

6. Why do you fast?

You mean besides “because God said so”? It’s to reach a level of God consciousness. Throughout the year, we are told to avoid the forbidden things like lying, backbiting, etc. During Ramadan, the ALLOWED things (food, drink, sex with one’s spouse) are forbidden during daylight hours. No one knows if we are truly fasting except God. We can fool anyone but the One who watches us, always. So, if we can keep ourselves from doing the lawful things, we become more aware of God’s ever presence.

Have any other questions? Please feel free to ask!  Blessed Ramadan to my fellow Muslims!

Arrogance

“No one who has an atom’s-weight of arrogance in his heart will enter Paradise.”

Arrogance is a deadly, deadly characteristic. It fools us into thinking we are better than someone else, which then let’s us feel like we can talk down to or mistreat others.  It prevents us from owning up to our mistakes, apologizing and/or admitting someone else was right.  It encourages us to correct people or to answer people, to show that we know what we are talking about or better than the other person.  It’s one of the deadliest things we can do for our souls, as proven by the above hadith.

Arrogance can bring the best of us down. Satan was damned for eternity because of his arrogance towards Adam AND God. Despite KNOWING that God exists, he chose to disobey him because he felt he was better than Adam. He was amongst the best of his kind, so much so that he was among the angels. Now he is of the worst of creation and, instead of being humble as asking for forgiveness, chose to be even more arrogant and promised to bring us all down with him.

Many people refuse to accept God because of arrogance as well, because they may feel they are in charge of their own lives and can live it in a way THEY choose.

In its most severe form, I believe arrogance becomes a type of psychosis/mental illness, a part of that person’s actual way of thinking and processing. In the Almaghrib class “Behind the Scenes” Sh. Omar Suleiman said that self-deceit or conceit (a person believing they are great because of their good deeds or that their sins are “no big deal”) are the WORST of sins, which seem to me an extension or an eventual result of too much arrogance.

I’ve been on the receiving end of arrogance  and I can say that is one of the most unpleasant things to come across.  To be treated as if I am less than the other person, as if i don’t deserve the same respect they do (or believe they do), to be spoken to as if I am beneath their “highness” or to be denied an apology is quite hurtful for me. I hate arrogance with a passion and those who display arrogance earn some contempt for their behavior.

As a pharmacist, I’ve had to deal with arrogance in the form of MDs who believe they can talk down to others. I’ve seen my pharmacist co-workers talk to doctors as if they were speaking to the queen of England or the President of the US.  “Hello Doctor” “thank you Doctor”.  I’ve been told not to leave one doctor on hold for too long or not to bother another doctor at night.  WTH?  Are they better than the rest of us? Why, because they went through many more years of school and have spent tons more money than we did?

A friend of mine said it’s similar at her job with a certain branch of coworkers.  I guess every job or workplace has a hierarchy and people who think they can yell at, talk down to or berate others who are “beneath them”.

On the flip side, as much as I hate to admit it, but I have also been on the giving end of arrogance.  I have said things to try and correct people only to be found wrong (which is why I choose not to speak up sometimes).  I have also figured that the other person “just doesn’t understand” and “is just seeing things in a dysfunctional manner”.  Facebook is a great medium for displaying arrogance.  We can all say thing as if we are experts on the matter, or come up with something clever to say.  Even my blogging, I think, can be a gateway for arrogance. I’m saying what I think/feel as if I have the right or authority to (over my own life, I do though 🙂 ).  Thankfully, a blow to my ego usually happens shortly after and I am proven wrong and or shown to be wrong.  I don’t believe my ego is that big to begin with, most (if not all) of us, even the most humble, can have a moment of ego inflation where we think we know better and act on that thought/feeling.  As much as it hurts and embarrasses me, I am glad God puts me in my place, because I’d hate to be like one of those people I can’t sand. After all the road to being that arrogant has to start somewhere…

I pray that God removes any and all arrogance from our hearts and fills it with true humility and conscientiousness. Ameen.

It’ll never happen to me

We all have a vice in life, something we know we “shouldn’t” do because it’s bad for us, but we do it anyway.  Some of us may smoke, some of us may drink excessively (and some choose to drive after drinking excessively). We may see, read or hear about the latest health news, that something in our food, shampoo, make-up or water bottles may cause cancer or other diseases.  Some of us may take heed, not willing to take a chance that the studies may have been wrong, and avoid harmful chemicals and toxins in our food and environment as much as possible.  Yet so many of us choose to take the benefit of the doubt, that unless it has conclusive evidence and 100% of the population has been affected, we will not change our lifestyle for the sake of “over-zealous and paranoid health nuts”.

But what makes us really ignore the evidences? What makes us believe large corporations over small independent studies when the former is only interested in what’s in our wallets?  Why do we smoke despite the claims on the cigarette carton itself that this product may cause cancer.  The answer lies in that sentence -“may.”

Smoking MAY cause cancer. Drinking MAY lead to liver problems and drinking and driving MIGHT result in a fatal car accident.  Statistically speaking, it’s never 100% of people who get cancer from pesticides in fruits and vegetables.  It’s not EVERYONE who has an allergic reaction to GMO in foods.  SOME people have fertility issues because of BPA.  And so we probably convince ourselves that we will be the exception, that we can beat the odds.  That we might be like George Burns who smoked a cigar every day and lived to be 100.  That even people who eat organic, watch their sugar intake, and don’t drink get cancer, so why even bother?  And some of us have faced death once or multiple times, having had cancer, heart attacks or other life-threatening illnesses, only to be that one out of however many that comes of it alive, despite the odds and statistics.  We indulge in our pleasures because we look at the instant gratification it gives us versus the long term negative implications they MAY cause.  The fun we have now is worth the “small” POSSIBILITY of the harm that may occur in the future.

And so as Allah says in the Quran, in Surat Al-Anaam (6), verses 27-28:

If thou couldst but see when they are confronted with the Fire! They will say: “Would that we were but sent back! Then would we not reject the signs of our Lord, but would be amongst those who believe!”[27] Yea, in their own (eyes) will become manifest what before they concealed. But if they were returned, they would certainly relapse to the things they were forbidden, for they are indeed liars. [28]

So as we face death (through illness or accidents), we tell ourselves that we’ll change. We’ll eat better, pray more, give more in charity.  And when we are given that second chance at life, we go back to the way things were.  Because we forget and we think “it’ll never happen to me”.  We beat the odds once, we can beat them again.  We won’t be one of those fatal car accidents we hear about on our morning commute news, so we don’t bother making sure we leave the house on a good note with our loved ones.  We won’t be one of those 20-somethings who dies, so we don’t think about being religious or writing our wills when we are young.  Our children will not be one of those who gets arrested or gets involved with drugs. Women who have sex (outside or inside of marriage) may think “I’m using protection, so I won’t get pregnant”.  People who cheat, lie or steal think “I’ll never get caught”. The young Rutgers student who spied on his roommate with a webcam probably though “I’ll never get in trouble for this”.  He now faces up to 10 years in jail.

And thus we find ourselves facing the hard truth when what we think we never happen to us, does. Some of us will be the ones who get sick, get into a car accident while texting, die from smoking (second-hand or first hand) related illnesses, etc. We can’t live our lives in fear of everything that may cause us harm (after all, driving itself is a dangerous activity that results in many deaths per day). But, at the very least, we can take general precautionary measures to take care of ourselves.